Marriage Success

Marriage Counselors...How Can You Tell You've Got a Great One?

When your marriage is in trouble, when you suspect infidelity, when things aren't going well, the last thing you want is a marriage counselor who steers you in the wrong direction. So, how do you know what's "right" and what's "wrong" when it comes to working with marriage counselors. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• If your marriage counselor lets both of you complain on and on about each other, you're not going to end up with a great result. If the marriage counselor does not know what lies at the bottom of criticism, then the critical thoughts and comments will continue, even after the marriage counseling is "completed."
  
  
• If your marriage counselor EVER takes sides, this will always produce a non-optimum result.


• If your marriage counselor ends a marriage counseling session and either of you are upset,  this is not only poor form and unprofessional, it will have a negative impact on the marriage counseling process.
  
  
• If your marriage counselor is all about "compromise," then that's pretty much where you'll end up: having compromised. You won't feel renewed, restored and excited about creating the future with your spouse. Yes, there does need to be some "give and take" in any relationship, but focusing on compromise does NOT get to the root of things.
  

Are Some Marriages Doomed to Fail?

No relationship is "doomed" to fail. I believe each person, through his decisions and actions, determines how happy and fulfilling his life will be. And I believe this holds true for married couples. I'm not big on fate or astrology. I'm big on personal responsibility.

Now, having said that, if two people with very little in common, who have spent very little time together race off to Vegas and get married, the chances of their marriage succeeding are not as great as the couple that has taken the time to know each other and who share many things in common.

I'm not against people meeting and having such a compassionate first week that they are absolutely compelled to tie the knot right away. I find that exceptionally adventurous. And I would never say such a couple is "doomed" to fail. With the right tools, every marriage can succeed.

How much should one know about a possible spouse-to-be prior to getting married? That depends on what each person considers important. Religion is extremely important to some and completely insignificant to others. Some consider opposing political beliefs a deal-breaker. How about each person's ambition? Does the wife-to-be wish to have a full-fledged career and perhaps a child 15 years down the road? Does the husband-to-be want to continue in his current job that takes him out of town two weeks of every month?

It's probably a good idea to talk over the main issues. The more things you share in common, the more points of agreement (and strength) you'll have going in.

What if you're married and you didn't take the time to really sort these things out? Not to worry. It's never too late to communicate. There is an earlier post on married couples setting goals. That will help.

A successful marriage is based on a few very key fundamentals. One of these is communication. The answer is always going to be in the area of more communication, not less.