Marriage Success

Improving Communication and Respect With Your Children

Yesterday I received an email from a reader who is having difficulty with her daughter. With her permission, here is the email:

Hello! I have a six year old daughter who is very smart, independent and beautiful. She is also spoiled and disrespectful. Today I received an email from her teacher informing me that my daughter had said something VERY disrespectful to her in front of the class. She's only in first grade.

I've had these talks with her, but it seems like she doesn't GET what respect is. Her father and I (all in the same house) don't treat each other disrespectfully, and I don't feel like we treat her disrespectfully. I do feel like my conversations with her are superficial, and she will barely listen to me long enough for me to get my point out. Like I said, disrespectful.

How can I make our communication more effective? She isn't all that reluctant to share things with me, although she is sketchy on the details. Thank you for your attention. I'm just looking to elaborate on your blog about being out of communication. Have a good weekend!

She was referring to an earlier post: How Did My Child Get So Disrespectful.

In this post I promised to provide specific tools that would help parents increase the flow of respect and communication between parent and child. This post will provide a very effective tool to accomplish this. It comes from the works of L. Ron Hubbard:

"Set aside a time during the day when the child can do anything he desires which doesn’t hurt animals or property. If he wants you around during this time, which you can begin to call ‘Billy’s time,’ fine. Spend the hour or two with him and do whatever he asks you to do, within reason of course. After the novelty wears off he will begin to use ‘his’ time to ask you questions about the world around him, questions which you should answer very carefully and accurately, no matter what the subject might be. It would be very unfair to say, in answer to an innocent question about sex for instance, ‘Now let’s don’t talk about nasty things like that.’ Answer him simply and fully, and with an absolute minimum of stammering and blushing on your part.

“Sometimes the child will want to spend ‘his’ time being held on your lap, and the special case might even want a bottle. Don’t tell him this is childish, and that he has outgrown such pursuits. Give him the bottle and hold him on your lap until he tires of this.

“Perhaps he will want to dramatize [act out] family difficulties, such as a recent argument between his parents. Fine. Go over it with him just as he desires. This will often be beneficial for the child and the parent. When the child becomes assured that there are no strings attached to your offer of ‘his’ time, he will take full advantage of the opportunity to go over many details which have hurt him, and once returned to in this fashion, they will seldom bother him again.

“Then, after a few periods spent in this way, ask if there is anything he wants to know, or anything he wants to talk about. Allow his dignity and enormous self-determinism to assert itself. Coax him to explain things to you, in his own language. When he runs across something which troubles him for a meaning, he will ask you, if you have gained his confidence. Sometimes when the child asks you a question which you are sure he should have known for some time, feed it back to him as another question, asking him what he thinks about it. This is often what the child really wants, and is only using the question as a means of opening discussion on the subject."

My wife and I applied this to our daughter, Chelsea, when she was six years old. She was elated when she heard she could have an entire hour of her "own time." We told she could do anything she wanted (as long as we didn't have to pay for anything during that time).

Chelsea was certain what she wanted: trips to Toys R Us! Several days in a row, she took us to her favorite store and marched us down one aisle after another. She showed us dozens of different toys that she thought were neat. Her mom stayed with her the entire time, but I got briefly sidetracked looking at some toys on my own! After a couple of strong looks from my wife, I quickly returned to her and Chelsea's side.

On the 3rd or 4th day, while we were driving home from Toys R Us, Chelsea started asking us questions about different areas of life. My wife and I looked at each other almost in disbelief, but sure enough she wanted to know about things she had NEVER asked about before. We treated her with complete respect and didn't give her "dumbed down" answers to her questions. As this question-and-answer session was moving along, I could see our daughter in the rear view mirror thinking things over.

We continued to give Chelsea "own time" as much as we could. Ideally, you'd do it every day. If not an hour, then maybe half an hour. What if you have four kids and each one wants their own time? Well, I'd give two kids half an hour each day and the next day another two would get half an hour each. Some kind of plan can be put together that will be fair to all of the kids.

After we did this for awhile with our daughter, we noticed two major changes. She was much calmer and she was in better communication with us.I would surmise kids at various ages might have a certain franticness about having the latest toys. After looking and talking about many of those toys for several days, it appears that franticness just kind of disappeared.

Another important observation: Our daughter had complete control of what was done during this hour. It was "her time" and she was able to be very self-determined during this time period. Often kids are put in very controlled environments: do this now; do this here; go to sleep now; go to school now. The more self-determinism your child can present to the world, the better off he/she is going to be.

Last but not least, when you improve the communication with your child, you also improve the level of respect. And so it went!

Give this process a serious try and let me know how it goes!

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How Did My Child Get So Disrespectful?

This is a question too many parents are asking these days. And it seems the age at which this problem manifests is getting younger and younger.

Let's look at some of the apparent reasons for this:

1. Peer pressure. Kids tend to emulate what the "other" kids are doing so if they observe their friends being disrespectful to their parents, this makes it easier for them to follow suit.


2. Turbulent school environment. If the scene at school is rough and kids are learning not-so-wonderful character traits, this can rub off at home.


3. Parents not around. When both parents work or spend too much time away from home, some children find ways to let their parents know they object to this. Disrespect may certainly be one of these ways.

Each one of the above most certainly can be factors, but let me suggest another possibility:

The parent and the child are OUT of communication with each other.

What does that mean: "out" of communication? It means simply there may be talking going back and forth, but communicating isn't really happening. The child has things on his mind that s/he doesn't want the parents to know or is too embarrassed to tell them. The parents observe conduct that they consider non-optimum and instead of sitting down with the child and discussing this, they get backed off or consider they just don't have the time to do so.

The child may be struggling to understand something about life or upset about something that happened with a friend. The parent who gets in there and finds out these things and is there to gently help the child resolve these concerns is a parent who is instilling respect into the relationship. And this respect goes both ways: from the child to the parent and from the parent to the child.

A vital ingredient in helping your child grow is communication. It cannot be brushed off. To the degree that your conversations with your child are superficial, to that degree your child will go out of harmony with you. You, the parent, are in control of how much harmony and respect there is in your home.

Each of the three factors given above (peer pressure, etc.) may be present in your child's life. But if you and your child are in superb communication, these factors just do not have the same impact they would otherwise.

It is never too late to get into better and better communication with your child. Every step in that direction is a major step in the right direction.

In future posts, we'll discuss ways to bring about this superb communication with your child.

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When a Child Wants to Help...

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is not recognizing when a child wants to help. Being in small bodies, they are not going to offer the same kind of help that a fully grown person does, but they will make the effort. And when that effort is not recognized AND acknowledged, then the child will start to "help" in ways you don't appreciate.

I've seen this with my own eyes: A child around two years old is sitting in a shopping cart. He takes an item from the cart and tries to place it on the conveyor belt to the cashier. The unaware mom stops the child from doing this and says, "that's okay, honey, I'll take care of that." Unfortunately, I've seen too many moms yell at their child for attempting this. Perhaps the mom is worried the child will drop the item. Perhaps the mom is in a hurry. Perhaps the mom is just stressed out.

Now we turn to the mom who sees this seemingly insignificant act as a real effort on the child's part to HELP. The child wants to contribute in some way. She's small, but she can grab onto some item in the shopping cart and TRY to get that item onto the conveyor belt. The smart mom observes what is happening and let's the child complete this act of contribution. If the child is having difficulty pulling it off, the mom helps out in a way that allows the child to still take "ownership" of the help that's being offered.

When the helpful act is accomplished, the mom gives the child a very hearty thank you (and maybe even a hug). The child gets that her help is appreciated and will continue to deliver this kind of help in the future. Parents allow the child to complete these acts of help and acknowledge the child each time for doing so.

As mentioned earlier, the child who has this line of help and contribution cut off by the mom or the dad (or siblings) will find other ways to "help." The child will do things that are a bit (or very) destructive. This will certainly get a response. Not the response the parent or the child really wants, but a response nevertheless.

Give your child the freedom to contribute and you will be doing your child (and your marriage) a great service.

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More ideas on bringing up children in my book When the Thrill Is Gone.

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